Thursday, July 6, 2017

From June 2008


I'll respond to our latest line of conversation....but right now I'm so pissed Gar.  Just so pissed.  The "Nincompoop factor" has struck again.  And this time, it's nasty.  Really just plain old nasty, not nice.

I think I told you about how Ulysses (Harold & Nincompoop's son, who is adopted) has felt in the past that he has been slighted by my parents; in that he feels that my parents favor my kids over him.  Well, I could go on and on with all the details, but short story first.  Nincompoop has written a letter to my mom about last Christmas, that Ulysses was in tears feeling like no one gave him as much as the others.

My mom is really, really, really deeply hurt by this.  Ulysses has developed his feelings because his 'muther' has more than likely been the one to make him feel slighted as she feels that way, not that he felt that way at first (as he was younger.)   I feel that the most likely scenario is that after having been with the family for Christmas, Ulysses listened to his mom and dad's conversations as they drove home (4 or more hours one way) ranting about how Ulysses was slighted in some way over gifts, and in his little child's pea brain, he "learned" how to feel that he was slighted by my parents.  Then as time has gone by, and as in time, Ulysses has grown up, he has come to feel this way. 

This last Christmas in particular seemed to be the icing on his cake.  We were all at Harold and Nincompoop's house for Christmas.  I think you might remember me telling you that I had suggested to my mom that we could have Christmas at my house, and after making the offer, I had regretted doing it, as I really didn't want to give Nincompoop more opportunity to criticize us, and that my house is such a wreck that it would be really hard on us to have them all here.  I also made the comment that even though I had suggested this, that I knew that the plan would be thwarted by Nincompoop herself, and that everything that had been discussed or planned would be totally changed (by her) and that everything about Christmas would go to suit her, and no one else.  This is the way any of our gatherings turn out.  Somehow, Nincompoop finagles the plan to suit her needs most, and everyone else has to adjust (to suit her).  We all "just let it go" this way, so that we don't have to contribute to her little "tiffy" ways.

(Gar. This is getting toooooo tooooo long.  I wish I could talk to you in person, so that I could just say this.  It takes too long to type it out.)

Suffice it to say, that on Saturday, my mom called me and told me that Harold was up at their house to be with her on Mother's Day, and that the preceding Thursday my parents had received a letter from Nincompoop, addressing her feelings (evidently).  My mom is very hurt, (first) that they (my parents) are being accused of being preferential towards my kids, (second), that Nincompoop would be this petty.

At Christmas last year we (the adults in the family) all decided that the kids were all adult enough that we could all draw names for giving gifts.  Ulysses, being the one who is youngest, and still in the running for getting gifts from all the other family members.  --We had decided years ago, that we would draw names for gift giving, and when one of the kids turned 20 they would join the adults in the drawing of names.--  So, this last year, Ulysses said he could start with the name drawing and that was what we did.  Tallulah had Ullysses name for who to give to, and every time I talked with Nincompoop to get suggestions for present possibilities for Ulysses, everything I could think of to get him was nixxed by Nincompoop!  We were at a loss as to what to give him, and we decided to give him a gift card to Best Buy,  a $60 gift card.  I felt that the amount was a little much, but, being that Ulysses is an only child, and he sits and watches my kids open gifts, it seemed right to give him that much.  I have always felt that he must feel a bit slighted just in the fact the there are three kids in one family, so he has to watch three times more gifts being open, he must feel that they get more, because he sees three times more than what he gets.  But when you think about it, he gets as much as each one of them on an individual basis.

On Christmas, my parents also brought their own personal family gifts to each other as they were not home to be able to open gifts to each other, having had to travel down to Harold and Nincompoop's house.  So, my parents and Stan were opening more gifts than the rest of us also.  Tallulah had wrapped Ullysses' gift card in a huge box, and she weighted the box with some bricks to make it feel really heavy.  Then as we opened the gifts, Harold was passing out the gifts, and he kept holding Ulysses' gift back and not letting it be passed to him.  So, Ulysses kept saying things like, "No one loves Ulysses,"  or he'd say, "yet another gift not for Ulysses."  Well, I think it was Ulysses' attitude that made Harold stall on handing him his gift, and then, when he did open it, he got up and left the room, evidently from what we heard later, he was in tears.  And yet, he got a gift that was worth much more than any one gift that my kids got individually.  Tallulah got a vest from my dad, but it didn't fit her, (my dad drew Tallulah's name), Hans got a book about WWII from my mom (which she bought in a thrift store), Othello got a shoe shine kit, and saxophone cleaning items from Nincompoop (because this was exactly what he said he wanted).  Ulysses got the gift card.

My take on this whole thing is this:  Nincompoop is mental. Spoiled, and she has a need to ruin life for everyone else.  She seems to have a need to "control" everything and everyone.  She now has pulled the ultimate stunt.  I told my mom that I feel that she is destroying our family.  We are not the kind of people who choose to do these kinds of things.  I feel that she really has a screw loose someplace, and that she is jealous of all of us, our relationships to each other (Mom, Dad, Harold, Stan, and I) because her own brother (Conrad) will not speak to her.  We were led to believe that it was Conrad that had the bigger problem, but now that this is happening, I wonder.

My mom  can't sleep at night over this, why is Nincompoop ruining my parents elderly years by tearing our family apart.? I really have to say that out of everyone in my life, she is on the list of the very few that I dislike and have a hard time being in the presence of, and she now is at the top of the list.

I'm beside myself in grief and anger over this, and I want to protect my mom.  This is just disgusting in my book.
Let me know what you think, I'm so sick over this whole thing.
Thanks for listening,
OMG!!! Gert, this is just unbelievable!!!  I wouldn't know where to start Gert....

I can recall the evening where Scann announced to Cindy's mother he was going to have a sex change.  Cindy and I were beside ourselves knowing how this was going to tear apart Cindy's very close family.  And it did too!! Cindy's mother went to her grave in tears .. knowing her family was ripped apart when her parents died .. then her oldest son .. then ... the announcement of Scann (who did if for affect) ... in other words he got of telling people he was going to change his sex.  Although Cindy's family has worked towards trying to stay together .. it's not ever been the same.  Nobody wants Scann around, and Scann won't stay away.  So .. we all just ...... don't see one another.  Now .. Mark is dying, and the family is further tearing apart.  Mark IS dying by the way.  Seems they've called in Hospice .. so it's just a matter of time.

Now .. with that said, it's very very important that your family try desperately to ignore this crap with Ullysses and get on with the business of keeping the Nelson family traditions.  Gert, I cannot stress how much your family impressed me as a teenager.  I seen something in your family that I did not have in my life.  I loved the way your father interacted with his family.  Personally I never seen any favoritism between the boy's and you.  There may have been, but I didn't see it.  As far as your mom was concerned .. I seen a pretty neat lady there ... willing to keep the family together at what ever needed to be done.  (You have those traits too ya know).

I can certainly understand your mother being upset over this, but I hope very soon she can see that there is nothing she can do to fix it.  Nincompoop IS what Nincompoop has and will always be ... and 
Ulysses is a product of that.  Sitting here .. it seems to me the best thing would be to not only ignore Nincompoop's letter .. but let her know the letter was inaccurate.  Twere it me .. I'd send the letter right back to her .. with a note that it must have been for someone else, because nothing in it even resembled any reality with regard to how your mother actually feels or has any truth to the fact that Ulysses was slighted at Christmas.

Tell your mom I think she's an awesome mother!! ... She's a rock as far as mothers go, and as little exposure as I've had with her, I can remember quite clearly that she's never possessed a "favorite" bone in her body.  Doesn't help her in this particular situation Gert .. but I really do hope she can somehow find a way to let Nincompoop know, her letter doesn't mean anything and it's being ignored.

Lemmy know sweetie ... I'm so sorry your having to go though this.  I did with Scann, and I know just exactly how pissed you are.
Hi Sergei.
Well, I just talked to my Mom.  My Mom and Dad, and my Uncle Harry, are currently driving "one" of their motor homes to Phoenix.  My dad had three motorhomes, he sold one of them to a guy in Tempe, AZ, and the guy really liked it, so he bought the other one from my dad also.  They were both older motor homes, and the type of motor home they were, all steel frames, fiberglass body, but the whole body unit was almost one piece, and the construction of it was better than most.  I think it's called Superior.  Anyway, now my Mom and Dad are driving it over to the guy, towing their little Scion XB? (XA?) behind.  The three of them will drive the Scion back probably be back by Thursday or Friday.  Anyway...........
I didn't get to talk with my mom at any length about the "Nincompoop" factor, but she did say that they did get a chance to talk with Harold a bit about the situation late at night one of the nights he was there, probably Saturday night.  My mom said that not only does Nincompoop feel that Ulysses has been ignored, but that Harold feels that way too!
I just don't see it.

I told my mom what you said about her, that she is not a "favorites" type of person, and I could 'hear' the teariness in her voice after I read what you said, and she responded.  She told me to tell you thank you.  I think it meant a lot to her.  My parents are kind of astounded that they made the impression on you that they did Sergei.  And I think they really are humbled by it too.  I mean, not that it's a bad thing, but I think they just feel that they've always been just themselves, nothing special, but I think they really don't realize how very special they really are.  They have always just lived a very good standard of values, and they don't realize that they are looked up to the way a lot of people look up to them. They are admired, and they are amazed that anyone notices.  I'm glad you noticed, and I'm glad that you've said the things that you have in the last few years that we've been talking, because I was very proud to let them know that they were an influence on you; that they were, and they are still.

I could also hear in my mom's voice how very hurt she is over this.  This is very devastating to her, and I don't really know if it's something that can be repaired very easily now.  I do know that I will not change the things that I do with my parents, and my brothers.  If any of them want to withdraw, let them, but I'm going to hold my family to the same standard that I've always had, and that is this:  FAMILY COMES FIRST.  FORGIVENESS COMES FIRST.    I told my mom that I feel the letter that was written is the wrong way to address what is being felt on Harold and Nincompoop's part, and that it's just a chicken shit way for Nincompoop to not own any of her part in how she feels.  By writing a letter, she is basically not letting herself "see" or "hear" my parent's heart in the matter, and if she were to see them talk about it, she would feel the devastation that this is causing them, and she would maybe be a little more forgiving.  But by "writing" it all down, she is closing them off to the opportunity to defend themselves and what ever has happened.  AND, she is not giving herself the chance to see how this is affecting them. 

Personally, I am very sad about it all too.  All we did was exist and try to get along.  They are making more out of what ever has been, than they need to.  My mom says that she will write a rebuttle to Nincompoop, and I think that it might come to pass that this woman will have torn our family assunder.  It's sad, but if they want to play hardball, well, they'll find out that we're holding the bat!

When ever I get a copy of the letter Nincompoop wrote from my mom, I'll type it up and send it to you so you can see what ever she said.  I know it's kinda silly as you're not involved, but I thought you might be interested to hear.  And my mom said that I will be getting a copy of the rebuttle letter that she sends to them also.  I have a feeling that this is the end of what I thought was my happy "nuclear" family.  And here lies the truth to the scripture that says, "a man shall leave his mother and father, and shall cleave unto his wife."

I'll write more later.  Thanks for your words of encouragement to my mom, I know she appreciates it.  And thanks for sharing about your family struggles too.  I have wondered about Debbie and Scann often, wondering how they are getting along, and how things are.  I think my family will soon be in the same state of separation, which is sad.

I'm very sad for my mom and I wish I could give her a hug.

Tell Debbie that I'm thinking of her during this time with her brother.  I think of Debbie often Sergei, just tell her I hope she'll be okay, I know you will be there for her, and that she's lucky to have you.  Give her a big hug for me too, K?
Hi Gert

Laughin over your dad having three motor homes.  Kinda worred that with gas prices the way they are, he'd have had a difficult time selling them.  I see so many here in Texas just catching dust.

I was totally surprised over hearing that Harold agreed with Nincompoop .... which sad to say would also suggest he encouraged her to write the letter.  Sad part about that is that if that is true .. why on earth would Harold have Nincompoop write a letter instead of Harold calling his mother and father and talking to them on a personal level? ...  This goes beyond any impressions I've had about your family to be honest with you.  Just seemed to me that there was no subject or topic your family couldn't talk about to each other.

I can recall my boy's NEVER EVER saying anything about any gift they did or did not receive.  NEVER had they ever made any comment about a gift they got from someone .. okay ... I have to back up here.  They have .. and continue to have very open feelings about gifts they get from Cindy's sister .. which ... I have to agree.  The gifts NEVER make any sense .. LOL ..  But Erlene means well ... and she's ......... frugal.  Not suggesting that she needs to spend more money on us .. but, for the most part .. I have wondered through the years, what set of words I could use to suggest to Erlene NOT to buy gifts for us.  Which by the way fixes a lot of things ya know.  Cindy and I do not buy gifts for my family .. mostly because it makes them feel uncomfortable.  We bought some gifts for young neice's and nephews .. but soon as they moved into that age where the gifts became more expensive .. we felt that was something their parents need to handle.  Anyway .. I can remember one of my brothers' daughters coming up to Debbie and asking her if that was all the presents we had for them.  It was a innocent comment .. and although Debbie and I talked about it .. we didn't make any issue of it ... the neice was very young.  But it gave us the opportunity to bring the subject up with our sons .. so that they'd never make any kind of comments like that to others.

Anyway .. I was so sad to hear your mother was so upset over this.  And I certainly do understand her being upset .. specially since the whole thing is untrue ... from all ya'lls standpoints.  At the time you and I were dating ... my dad had moved all to Indiana ... to take care of his mother.  After Nancy and I was to graduate from Highschool .. Mom was supposed to move to Indiana as well ... which did happen.  When dad left .. he took pretty much everything ... furniture and all.  We didn't have much that year ... the house was pretty much vacant ... had a sofa .. chair and a tv ... that was pretty much it.  Dad was sending money .. but just enough to make the house payment, and pay for utilities.  As Christmas approached .. we all new it would be a very skimpy Christmas.  Everyone expected nothing.  Mom just new we'd all be very disappointed.  Sad to think about it but .. mom was the only one disappointed .. the rest of us, for the most part had a pretty good day.  We didn't have a tree .. didn't exchange gifts .. and none of us expected anything from anyone.  There were no hurt feelings .. no sadness.  Although we once in a while bring up that time, but at no time do we ever recall any moment we were unhappy.  Maybe my brother Paul was sad .. but he was very young at the time.  Can't talk to him about it now .. but maybe we pitched in and bought him a couple of things .. can't remember now.  But it was that time .. that taught each of us some humbleness.  Sounds like to me 
Ulysses would do well to learn some of that himself.

I'm actually beside myself thinking about Harold.  Not that he felt 
Ulysses was slighted in as much as he didn't speak to your parents about it directly.  Or the rest of the family for that matter!! ...

Tell your mother if I'm ever blessed enough to get to see her again .. I fully expect her to flick the porch light on and off for me.  Hahah .. she is precious I tell ya.

The way I see it, is this has essentially created a pressure on your family for the next Christmas.  Thinking everyone will be overly sensitive to 
Ulysses and his needs.  Can't for the life of me figure out why Harold, Nincompoop or even Ullysses would feel because he was adopted that ... that would make any difference in the love your family has for him.  Thinking about it .. seems to me that Hans kinda feels this way about the family hah? ... Kal's not his real father .. and he sort of feels .. like an outsider.  Thing is .. I recall you telling me how Kal's been a great dad to him.  Of that  ... I have no doubt.

As far as your folks feeling kind of humbled about my impression of them is not so surprising.  There was no way for them to know at the time, that I was still impressionable or even that I took the time to listen and watch.  Because my family was so fragmented at the time, and because I never had what seemed like you and the boy's had.  And as kids .. we all want stability.  We all want a mom and dad like your mom and dad.  It was very easy for them to impress me I guess.  I've had many friends ... many many friends that didn't have what you had.  There were some that did by the way .. but few .. very few.  As far as parents goes .. parents of girls I took out pretty much didn't trust me.  Your folks .. didn't not trust me .. as much as they were concerned.   As well as they should have been!!!! ... I was typical .. of most guys.  The thing they did .. was to allow me the oppertunity to prove myself trustworthy I guess.  And although I did hurt their daughter by leaving .. it was because I just couldn't work out how to develop our relationship beyond graduating Highschool.  I was too young to realize had I (not known everything there was about life) .. that if I'd have just trusted you .. and your parents enough to be more open at the time, that we all could have worked it out.  Hindsight my dear .. hindsight.  Let your mom know the ONLY difference there was between your parents and June and Ward Cleaver ...... was your parents didn't have a station wagon!!! LOL

What's really puzzeling to me about Hrold and Nincompoop, is Harold seems so mentally stable ... least that was my impression of him when I met him again a few years back.  Having such open and understanding parents .. why on earth would he not feel he could sit and talk with them instead of sending letters .... It's really beyond me Gert?  The really unfortunate thing about letters, is they shield the writer from instant emotions.  Which is totally unfair to the person receiving the letters.  They don't get the chance to Rebut .. as often as happens .. the emotions burn deep .. and important things don't get said.

How old is Ullysses now? .. I forget.

Hey .. gotta run ... sorry, but it's getting late on me.

Hi Sergei!

You made me laugh out loud with your June and Ward Cleaver comment!
I'm sooo smiling over this, but it really is TRUE!!!!  Yeah, we didn't
have a station wagon when you knew me, but we DID have one at one
time!  A dark blue Chevy Nova station wagon!

I'm going to forward my correspondence with Stan over this.  I sent
him a message this morning, and I'll cut and paste what I said first,
then his response, and then my response.  I know it'll get long, but,
I already said somethings that will take forever to type out, that I
can save time on just re attaching it here.

So, this is the first thing I said to Stan:

e-mail #1
So, what's your take on all this family upheaval?  Personally, I'm
quite surprised that things have come to what ever state they've come

e-mail #2 from Stan to me:
Me too. Why was this situation allowed to get this far. Why didn't the
parents of the supposed maligned individual make an effort to nip this
in the bud. A few words a long time ago letting all know that there
was a situation that a child was feeling left out could have been
easily reversed and remedied long ago. instead, it is left to fester
and build into a major problem.

What I don't like is the timing. I have written a few thoughts on my
computer at home in a document titled 'HOW TO RUIN MOTHERS DAY'. Nincompoop
is either totally stupid and doesn't realize what affect the timing of
this had, or is very calculated and cunning in delivering this little
BOMB of a letter. Either way it pretty much ruined mom's Mother's Day.

e-mail #3 from me to Stan:
Ever since we all found out that the "maligned individual" (
Ulysses)had to go
the have his "attitude" readjusted, Tallulah has been the most vehement
in her thoughts on the whole situation.  She also has been the one to
hear what the  "maligned individual" has had to say about his
feelings, his life, his feelings about his maladjusted mother, and all
the crap he pulls, because she (Tallulah) seeks him out, and talks with him while
we are all together.  She would like to take him out behind a woodshed
in some remote forested area, and beat the living daylights out of
him!  She thinks he's totally spoiled, and self centered and she feels
he needs to "get over" himself!!!!!  He's even told Tallulah that when
ever there is a huge blow up between he and his mom, that in the end,
his forgiveness is bought with shopping trips, and loads of clothes to
make up for the turmoil that happened.  So, the term spoiled is an
understatement, I think.

Mom had mentioned that she didn't want my kids to hear all that is
going on, and you know me, I've always been the type to keep
everything out in the open, and so I've chosen to tell them exactly
what is going on.  Mostly because there is the eventuality that "Mrs.
Maladjusted" (Nincompoop) might come at them with her spewing hate.  (Can you tell
that I'm EXTREMELY upset and angered by this?)  I've started calling
the whole ordeal the "Nincompoop Factor", and I feel that this was very
calculated on her part.  I am INCENSED that she chose to send this
letter, and I told mom that this is a very "chicken shit" way to
present it to Mom and Dad.  She isn't giving them the chance to show
her their "heart" in the whole matter, and by not talking directly to
them, she doesn't have to see how much she's hurting them by her
accusations, and she also gets to avoid "OWNING" her part of the
responsibility for the situation getting to the point it has gotten.
She just oughta know better than to make this kind of judgement on Mom
and Dad. 
I'm really, really pissed at this whole thing, because
this isn't the way them Nelsons operate.  And now, I wonder about
all that has ever been said about Conrad, and if what we've been led to
believe is truth.  I doubt it.  I'm seeing a more "sick, demented,
conniving" person in Nincompoop than I've ever imagined, and my trust in
her is completely gone.  I really don't care to ever see her, or come
in contact with her ever again.  I don't have time for people of her
calliber in my life, ever since I was very young, since the Karen
Hancock episode of my life, I've been VERY wary about people,
especially women, and I can spot a conniver very easily.  I've never
really trusted Nincompoop, and I never will.  I don't want her in my home,
or involved in my life in any way.

I love Harold, and he will always be my brother, but we don't have to
tolerate this kind of turmoil and treatment from Nincompoop, or 
Ulysses.  I
wrote to Sergei and told him a bit about what is going on, just because
he and I are  each other's "dumping" ground, each for the other, and
he wrote back and said:

"I can certainly understand your mother being upset over this, but I
hope very soon she can see that there is nothing she can do to fix it.
Nincompoop IS what Nincompoop has and will always be ... and 
Ulysses is a
product of that.  Sitting here .. it seems to me the best thing would
be to not only ignore Nincompoop's letter .. but let her know the letter
was inaccurate.  Twere it me .. I'd send the letter right back to her
.. with a note that it must have been for someone else, because
nothing in it even resembled any reality with regard to how your
mother actually feels or has any truth to the fact that 
Ulysses was
slighted at Christmas."

"Tell your mom I think she's an awesome mother!! ... She's a rock as
far as mothers go, and as little exposure as I've had with her, I can
remember quite clearly that she's never possessed a "favorite" bone in
her body.  Doesn't help her in this particular situation Gert .. but
I really do hope she can somehow find a way to let Nincompoop know, her
letter doesn't mean anything and it's being ignored."

I think that he has a point.  This should just be dismissed from Mom
and Dad's minds as "pish-posh" and they should just  "harrumph" at
them over the rediculousness of it all.

I better get back to work,
Love to you!!!!!
You Sis

Sooo, that's all I've said to Stan so far about this.  I'm anxious to
see this letter from Nincompoop to my mom now. Harold
 did go up to Santa Maria, and my parents (I think it was both of them, but not sure) did talk face to face.  But, evidently, Harold feels the same way.  I just am stumped.  I've never seen any
lopsidedness to our families treatment except that I have three kids
and they have one.  In fact, my kids seem to have seen some
lopsidedness in that 
Ulysses has everything a kid would ever want,
never having to have hand me downs, never having to share.  It's all
just amazing to me. 
Tallulah and I talked today, and she said she will hardly be able to be
in the same place as they are now, so she says she doesn't want to go
to Thanksgiving, nor does she want to have Christmas with them.  She
said she will go off on Aunt Nincompoop and 
Ulysses if she sees them.  I
don't blame her, and I think I would too.  But the most that I will do
if I'm in the same place with Nincompoop or 
Ulysses, is get up and leave
where they are.  I'll have a hard time talking to "that" women ever

Well, I'm home from work now, have to go to swim team for a while.
Thanks for all you support in this Sergei.  I love ya for it!

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